August 17, 2008
Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I’m the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!
Alpa Chino: Maybe I just knew I had to represent…
Kirk Lazarus: Hot damn!
Alpa Chino: …because they had one good part in there for a *black* man, and they gave it to “Crocodile Dundee”!
Kirk Lazarus: [offended] Pump your brakes kid, that man’s a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I’m sorry a dingo ate your baby!
Kirk Lazarus: You about to cross some fuckin’ line!
Kirk Lazarus: I’m a lead farmer, mother fucker!
Kirk Lazarus: Yo, assholes, this mother fucker’s dead!
Tugg Speedman: [picks up severed head] I think I can spot a prop head when I see one!
[people around him gag while he plays with the head]
August 13, 2008
Sean: [running from a dinosaur] Haven’t you ever seen a dinosaur before?
Trevor: Not with skin on it!
Trevor: [in complete awe] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the center of the Earth.
[Sean and Trevor have fallen behind Hannah, tired of climbing]
Sean: I call dibs on the mountain climber.
Trevor: What? You’re thirteen; you can’t call dibs.
Trevor: [as they are climbing] Hey, look at all the shist.
Trevor: It’s a metamorphic rock. Green shist, white shist, micro-guarded shist-
Sean: Oh. Shist.
Hannah Ásgeirsson: [all climbing down] Just make conversation with me Sean.
Sean: So, uh, Hannah. Do you come here often?
Trevor: [laughs] That can’t be the best you can do!
Sean: [yells] Hey! I’m trying to make converstation!
Hannah Ásgeirsson: It’s OK. No Sean, I don’t come here often.
Trevor: [sees Sean playing a PSP] What is that? A… Gameboy?
Trevor: [holds up Max’s yo-yo] This was your old man’s PSP.
Sean: [seeing a deserted field in the center of the Earth] Dang, I wish I read that book.
August 10, 2008
Mutt Williams: You know, for an old man you ain’t bad in a fight. What are you, like 80?
Mutt Williams: Get on, Gramps!
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: You fight like a young man; eager to start and quick to finish.
Mutt Williams: [Irinka Spalko holds sword up to Mutt’s neck] Woah! Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Mutt Williams: [grabs comb out of pocket and combs hair] I’m ready.
Mutt Williams: Don’t give these pigs a thing.
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: Belief, Dr. Jones, is a gift you have yet to receive. My sympathies.
Indiana Jones: Oh, I believe, sister. That’s why I’m down here.
Mutt Williams: Oh, it’s just a thing.
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: No defiant last words, Dr. Jones?
Indiana Jones: I like Ike.
Mutt Williams: I don’t understand. Why the legend about the city of gold?
Indiana Jones: Well, the word for ‘gold’ translates as ‘treasure.’ But their treasure wasn’t gold, it was knowledge. Knowledge was their treasure.
Mac: You broke my nose!
Indiana Jones: I warned you.
[Indiana punches Mac in the face]
[Indiana realizes he’s in a nuclear testing site when sirens begin wailing]
Indiana Jones: That can’t be good. That can’t be good at all.
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: This warehouse, where you and your government have hidden all of your secrets. Yes?
Indiana Jones: This is a military warehouse. I’ve never been here before in my life.
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: Don’t toy with me, Doctor Jones! What is the point of all this?
Indiana Jones: If it’s still magnetic, the metal in this gun powder should point the way.
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: [Irina has Marion and Indiana hostage] So Dr. Jones, you will help us?
[a soldier cocks a pistol and points it at Marion’s back]
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: A simple ‘Yes’ will do.
Indiana Jones: Oh, Marion, you had to go and get yourself kidnapped.
Marion Ravenwood: Not like you did any better.
Indiana Jones: Same old, same old.
Indiana Jones: Marion, take the wheel!
Mutt Williams: That’s not fair, she drove the truck!
Indiana Jones: Don’t be a child. Find something to fight with!
Indiana Jones: Drop dead!
[Dovchenko punches him in the face]
Indiana Jones: I’m sorry; I meant, “Drop dead, *comrade*.”
Marion Ravenwood: I’m sure I wasn’t the only one to go on with my life. There must have been plenty of women for you over the years.
Indiana Jones: There were a few. But they all had the same problem.
Marion Ravenwood: Yeah, what’s that?
Indiana Jones: They weren’t you, honey.
Indiana Jones: [on seeing the Crystal Skull] Un-believable!
Indiana Jones: So what are you, some kind of… triple agent?
Mac: Nah. I just lied about being a double.
Indiana Jones: You want to be a good archaeologist…
[Mutt drives them out of the building on his motorcycle]
Indiana Jones: …you’ve got to get out of the library!
Indiana Jones: [stuck in quicksand] Oxley, go get help!
Professor ‘Ox’ Oxley: Help?
Indiana Jones: Help!
Professor ‘Ox’ Oxley: Help!
[runs into the trees searching for help]
Indiana Jones: [surrounded by Russian soldiers after getting pulled out of the sandpit by Mutt] Thanks Ox…
Professor ‘Ox’ Oxley: [points at the Russians] Help.
Indiana Jones: Careful, you may get exactly what you wish for.
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: I usually do.
Marion Ravenwood: Mutt can be a little impetuous.
Indiana Jones: Well it’s not the worse quality in the world.
[Indy and Marion sink further into the ground]
Indiana Jones: Keep your arms above the surface. When the kid comes back, grab on.
Marion Ravenwood: Indy, he…
Indiana Jones: He’s a good kid Marion. You should get off his back about school. Not everybody is cut out for it.
Marion Ravenwood: Mutt I mean, his name is Henry.
Indiana Jones: Henry. Good name.
Marion Ravenwood: He’s your son.
Indiana Jones: My son?
Marion Ravenwood: Henry Jones the III.
Indiana Jones: [beat] Why the hell didn’t you make him finish school?
Indiana Jones: Leave it to Ox to write a riddle in a dead language.
Indiana Jones: [crashes into a truck windshield after a failed swing from his whip] Damn, I thought that was closer… .
[Mac holds his hands up while they are surrounded by Russian soldiers]
Indiana Jones: Put your hands down will you, you’re embarrassing us.
Mutt Williams: Name’s Mutt. Mutt Williams.
Indiana Jones: Mutt?
Mutt Williams: Yeah.
Indiana Jones: What kind of name is that?
Mutt Williams: It’s the one I picked. You got a problem with it?
Indiana Jones: Take it easy.
Mutt Williams: [to Indy] Hey Daddio!
Mutt Williams: A scorpion just stung me, am I gonna die?
Indiana Jones: How big?
Mutt Williams: Huge!
Indiana Jones: Good.
Mutt Williams: Good?
Indiana Jones: When it comes to scorpions, the bigger the better. Small one bites ya, don’t keep it to yourself.
[Mutt pops open his switchblade, ready to fight two KGB agents]
Indiana Jones: Nice try kid, but it looks like you brought a knife…
[both agents pull out guns]
Indiana Jones: …to a gun fight.
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: Do svidanya, Dr. Jones.
Indiana Jones: It depends on who your god is.
Mac: Stop the car! Stop! You don’t know him! You don’t know him!
Mac: We were younger.
Indiana Jones: We had guns!
Indiana Jones: How did Deidra take the news?
Dean Charles Stanforth: How does any wife take such things… a look on her face is a combination of pride and panic.
Dean Charles Stanforth: I barely recognize this country anymore; the government has us seeing communists in our soup.
Dean Charles Stanforth: We seem to have reached the age where life stops giving us things and starts taking them away.
Indiana Jones: Who is your mother, again?
Mutt Williams: Mary, Mary Williams. You don’t remember her?
Indiana Jones: There’ve been a lot of Marys, kid.
Mutt Williams: [draws switchblade] Hey! That’s my mother you’re talking about!
Mutt Williams: Well, what’s he gonna do now?
Marion Ravenwood: I don’t think he plans that far ahead.
Mutt Williams: Yeah…
Indiana Jones: [pops out from the inside of the truck with a bazooka] Scooch over, will ya, Son?
Mutt Williams: Don’t call me ‘Son’. Don’t.
Indiana Jones: [ignoring Mutt’s complaint] I think I’d cover my ears if I were you!
[Indy fires a rocket at a giant tree cutter, but it sends the large circular blade bouncing straight for them, cutting through other trucks as it goes]
Indiana Jones: *Duck!*
Indiana Jones: You’re not from around here, are you?
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: And ‘vere’ do you think I am from?
Indiana Jones: Well, judging by the way you’re sinking your teeth into those ‘wubble-yous’, I’d say Eastern Ukraine.
Indiana Jones: Why don’t you stick around, Junior?
Mutt Williams: [chuckles] I don’t know. Why didn’t you, Dad?
Professor ‘Ox’ Oxley: [scoffs] Dad…
[gives Indy a questioning look]
Professor ‘Ox’ Oxley: Dad?
Indiana Jones: Somewhere your Grandpa is laughing.
Mutt Williams: You’re a *teacher?*
Indiana Jones: Part-time.
Mutt Williams: Look, Professor, it really *is* a dead end.
Indiana Jones: [after climbing on the rock and noticing that it shifts with force, tilting it first away, and then back to Mutt, with a grin] Come on, genius.
Col. Dr. Irina Spalko: I want to know!
Indiana Jones: I need a compass. Compass!
[the Soviet soldiers stand perplexed]
Indiana Jones: You know! North, South, East!
Indiana Jones: Ox, I understand now… Someone came.
Indiana Jones: I need your bullets.
Indiana Jones: I have to return the Skull to Akator.
Mutt Williams: Are you nuts? It’s brought us nothing but trouble! Look what it did to *him*..
[points to Oxley]
Indiana Jones: I have to return it.
Marion Ravenwood: Why you?
Indiana Jones: Because it told me to.
Mutt Williams: Is that a spaceship?
Professor ‘Ox’ Oxley: A portal, to another dimension.
Indiana Jones: Don’t think we want to go that way…
Professor ‘Ox’ Oxley: Well done, Henry!
Indiana Jones, Mutt Williams: Thanks, Ox.
Mutt Williams: [as Indy sinks in a quicksand-esque substance, he is passed a long snake] Grab on! It’s a rat snake!
Indiana Jones: Rat snakes aren’t that big!
Mutt Williams: Well this one is, all right? It’s not even poisonous! Now grab on!
Indiana Jones: Go get something else!
Mutt Williams: Like what?
Indiana Jones: Like a rope or something!
Mutt Williams: There’s no Sears & Roebuck here! Grab the snake!
Indiana Jones: Maybe I can touch the bottom.
Marion Ravenwood: There is no bottom! Now grab it! Grab the snake!
Indiana Jones: I think I can feel it with my feet
Mutt Williams: Grab the snake!
Indiana Jones: Stop calling it that!
Mutt Williams: It’s a snake, what do you want me to call it?!
Indiana Jones: A rope!
Mutt Williams: What?
Indiana Jones: Say “Grab the rope”!
Mutt Williams, Marion Ravenwood: Grab the rope!
Indiana Jones: You’re not from around here are you?
Agent Irina Spalko: [taking off her glasses] And where would you imagine I am from Dr. Jones?
Indiana Jones: Well the way you’re sinking your teeth into those W’s I should think maybe… Eastern Ukraine.
Indiana Jones: [jumping out of the car] Big damn ants, go!
Indiana Jones: That can’t be good…
Speaker Voice: All personnel, it is now one minute to zero time. Put on goggles or turn away. Do not remove goggles or face burst until ten seconds after first light.
Indiana Jones: Oh, that can’t be good at all…
Indiana Jones: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Marion Ravenwood: So, you still living in a trail of human wreckage or have you retired?
Indiana Jones: Why, you’re looking for a date?
Marion Ravenwood: Anyone but you!
August 10, 2008
Fox Mulder: Are you asking me to give up?
Dana Scully: No. No, I can’t ask you to do that… But I can tell you I won’t be coming home tonight.
ana Scully: Can you hear me?
Fox Mulder: [drugged] Sorry about your car.
Dana Scully: Listen to me! I need your help!
Agent Mosley Drummy: I’m sorry. I – I can’t help you.
Dana Scully: Then let me talk to somebody there with some balls who can.
Fox Mulder: I can feel you thinking.
Dana Scully: Sorry. I can’t sleep.
Fox Mulder: Actually, I have a little something for that.
Dana Scully: Just a little something?
Fox Mulder: Thank you.
Agent Mosley Drummy: I don’t believe this.
Fox Mulder: You know, that’s been your problem from the very beginning.
Dana Scully: What are you doing?
Fox Mulder: Trying to ignore you.
August 10, 2008
Dale Doback: Barbara Walters, Oprah, your wife. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one, go!
Dale Doback: [as they are called back into the office for their first interview] We’re here to fuck shit up!
Brennan Huff: Robert better not get in my face… ’cause I’ll drop that motherfucker!
Brennan Huff: I’m going to take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you!
Derek: So, what do we do now?
Brennan Huff: Can we hug?
Derek: Yeah, you’d like that, you faggot!… I’m sorry, I’m new to this.
Brennan Huff: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls!
Dale Doback: [after hearing Brennan sing] You have the voice of an angel. I mean, it’s like Fergie meets Jesus.
Brennan Huff: I have a belly full of white dog crap, and now you lay this shit on me?
Brennan Huff: This house is a fucking prison!
Dale Doback: On Planet Bullshit!
Brennan Huff: In the galaxy of This Sucks Camel Dicks!
Brennan Huff: [to Dale] You’re a big, fat, curly-headed fuck!
Brennan Huff: Shut your mouth. Sh-sh-shut your mouth.
Brennan Huff: Eat shit Derek!
Brennan Huff: [in his therapist’s fantasy] I’ve come five hundred miles to deliver my seed.
Dale Doback: [both waking up from dreams on top of each other] Oh no, I’m late for school.
Brennan Huff: I’ll kiss you on the lips, Kenny Rodgers.
Brennan Huff: I tea-bagged your drum set!
Brennan Huff: This wedding is horse shit!
Brennan Huff: You are making an ass out of yourself, you geriatric fuck!
Dr. Robert Doback: Rock the fuck out of those drums, Dale.
Dale Doback: Can we turn our beds into bunkbeds?
Brennan Huff: It will give us so much extra space in our room to do activities!
Dr. Robert Doback: Your adults, you can do what you want.
Dale Doback: This is the funnest night ever!
Alice, Derek, Dr. Robert Doback: Fucking Catalina Wine-Mixer!
Alice: Stay gold, Ponyboy.
Derek: Brennan has a man-gina.
Brennan Huff: You better not close your eyes, because as soon as you do, I’m gonna punch you square in the face!
Dr. Robert Doback: One day my father just said, “Goddamn it, you’re seventeen, stop being a fucking dinosaur and get a job!”
Dale Doback: I manage a baseball team.
Nancy Huff: Oh, little league?
Dale Doback: Fantasy league.
Brennan Huff: I’m so scared right now. I’m just gonna to do what’s sensible, I’m gonna file for unemployment. Then I’m gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, because they got an excellent corporate structure and they… *they* give *you* the tools to be your own boss.
Dale Doback: [while Brennan is singing] Boats and hos.
Brennan Huff: Holy Fucking Santa Claus Shit!
Brennan Huff: [mowing lawn, dressed as Nazi] Hey Derek, spreken ze dick?
August 10, 2008
Captain: I don’t want to survive! I want to live!
Captain: Out there is our home – home, AUTO! – and it’s in trouble. I can’t just sit here and do nothing. That’s all I’ve ever done! That’s all anyone has ever done on this blasted ship.
AUTO: In space we will survive.
Captain: I don’t want to survive, I want to live!
AUTO: I must follow my directive.
Captain: [he turns around in frustration, and then looks at pictures of past captains to notice AUTO is closer to the camera in progressing pictures]
Captain: [turns back] *I’m* the captain of this ship! We are going home *today*, AUTO!
WALL.E: [pause] Oh.
Mary: [Mary is looking at the stars outside the Axiom while other passengers pass idly by] Oh! So many stars! Ah.
[she sees WALL-E and EVE flying around outside.]
Mary: Oh! Hey! That’s what’s-his-name!
[backs up, bumps into John]
John: Hey! What the-?
Mary: Look! Look look look!
[she shuts off his chair and screen, making him aware of his surroundings]
John: Huh? What?
[sees WALL-E and EVE]
John: Hey… I know that guy! It’s uh, uh… Wally! That’s it! Hey – Wally! It’s your buddy John!
Mary: [simultaneously] Hey! Hi, Wally!
[John casually puts his right hand upon Mary’s.]
John: [looks down, somewhat surprised; looks up at Mary, smiles] Hi.
Mary: [smiles] Hi.
Eve: Eve! Eve!
AUTO: Sir, give me the plant.
Mary: I didn’t know we had a pool!
Eve: [Eve repeats “Directive” in multiple languages, ending with…] Directive?
[WALL-E demonstrates his trash-compacting function]
Eve: [Eve turns away, sharply] Classified.