January 9, 2009
Skeeter Bronson: So guys, let me ask you something…. What the heck is on my head right now?
Skeeter Bronson: Why do you call him Bugsy?
Patrick: Because of his eyes.
Skeeter Bronson: *screams* Those would be big on a cow!
Skeeter Bronson: So the kids control the stories.
Patrick: Tell us a bedtime story.
Skeeter Bronson: Ok, here we go. Once upon a time, the greatest of all heroes, Skeeticus.
[scene goes to Skeeticus doing a jumping trick in a Roman chariot.]
Skeeticus: Can you dig it!
Skeeter Bronson: And then…
Patrick: It started raining gum balls.
Skeeter Bronson: Last night I told my sister’s kids a bedtime story and it came true.
Skeeter Bronson: Sis…
Wendy: I’m getting laid off. I have a couple interviews set up in Arizona. I need you to watch the kids.
Skeeter Bronson: I’ll do it, but you gotta say, “Skeeter is the coolest. I am a nerd.”
Wendy: Skeeter is the coolest. I am a nerd.
Skeeter Bronson: Yeah you are!
December 22, 2008
YES MAN MOVIE QUOTES
Woman: Excuse me, could I…
Carl Allen: Absolutely! [grabs and kisses woman]
Friend: Well I don’t think that’s what she was asking for.
Terrence Bundley: What was that you said?
Carl Allen: No.
[gets hit in the head by Terrence with his mic]
Carl Allen: Yes?
[Carl Allen pulls up in a parking lot and opens the door. Cans of Red Bull pour out.]
Carl Allen: [speaking fast] WOoooo. I’ve never had a Red Bull before, but I had a Red Bull last night. I really like Red Bull.
Renee Allison: Yeah, you seem a little hyper.
Carl Allen: Hey! After we chat we should get a red bull!
Renee Allison: OK, that’d be really fu….
Carl Allen: Red Bull!
Renee Allison: That sounds…
Carl Allen: Red Bull!
Renee Allison: I think I’d really…
Carl Allen: Redda Bulla!
Carl Allen: I do want to take guitar lessons. I do want to learn how to fly. Yes, I would like to learn Korean.
Friend: So what, you’re going to say “yes” to everything?
Carl Allen: Exactly. I wasn’t open to stuff and now I am. Things are changing for me.
Friend on phone: Yo Carl, hitting the clubs, gotta case of Red Bull, gonna pull an all-nighter. You down?
Carl Allen: [opens mouth and gum falls out] Was I chewing gum before?
August 17, 2008
Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I’m the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!
Alpa Chino: Maybe I just knew I had to represent…
Kirk Lazarus: Hot damn!
Alpa Chino: …because they had one good part in there for a *black* man, and they gave it to “Crocodile Dundee”!
Kirk Lazarus: [offended] Pump your brakes kid, that man’s a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I’m sorry a dingo ate your baby!
Kirk Lazarus: You about to cross some fuckin’ line!
Kirk Lazarus: I’m a lead farmer, mother fucker!
Kirk Lazarus: Yo, assholes, this mother fucker’s dead!
Tugg Speedman: [picks up severed head] I think I can spot a prop head when I see one!
[people around him gag while he plays with the head]
August 15, 2008
Tracey Berkowitz: I kinda like to ride a different bus every night depending on my mood. Like, if I’m depressed, I enjoy being around other depressed people. And happy people, they frickin depress me! You know?
Tracey Berkowitz: Look, the other day, something happened. I came to certain realizations. I can’t tell you what or you’ll end up like me, on this bus, looking for someone.
Tracey Berkowitz: I don’t like the country. Creeps me out. In the country, dead bodies live in swamps, and ditches, and shallow graves. A man dumps the body of a girl in a ditch. The body rotts; Melts into slime. Flowers pop up where the body lies, seeds fly out of the flowers, and a bee sucks the flowers and makes honey. And then the family of the girl buys the honey from the store. And the family eats the girl.
Tracey Berkowitz: When a horse falls, foam comes out of its mouth. When it falls, the legs of the horse thrash and the horse is no good… So somebody shoots it. The horse turns into glue. A machine puts the glue into bottles and children squeeze the bottles to get the glue out and stick bits of paper onto cards. Glue gets on the children’s hands and the children eat the glue. And the children become the horse.
Dr. Heker: Why don’t you go home? Go home.
Tracey Berkowitz: My name is Tracey Berkowitz. Fifteen. Just a normal girl who hates herself.
Tracey Berkowitz: When things happen to people, they radiate a light. Because they have a picture caught inside them. Because they were there and you weren’t. And because you only got a piece. And because all you can do is shrink and blow up that one tiny piece.
Tracey Berkowitz: Doctor Hecker, my psychiatrist. She only cares about the, like, 80 bucks an hour she’s paid, or whatever, to prevent me from turning into a psycho. Well… it’s kinda too late for that.
Tracey Berkowitz: It really isn’t my fault. I absolutely had to run away. Like, my Dad, he’s always saying that I exaggerate. You know? He’s always like, ‘Tracey, I don’t know what to believe and what not to believe.’ But how do you know what’s real and what’s not when the whole world is inside your head?
Tracey Berkowitz: He stuck his cock in me and said I love you, in that exact order. Now I’m not afraid to die. ‘Cause like birds and bees and bugs, they all die after they fuck.
Tracey Berkowitz: This is the story of the girl with no tits. Went to my school. No tits. Big dumb moon face.
Tracey Berkowitz: Look, I’m not what you think. I’m not junk, I’m not a dink. I’m not garbage flowers you leave to rot and stink, and smell, and curl up all dry and papery so they crumble as crusty as the flowers on this fucked up shower curtain.
August 14, 2008
Young Noah: Will you go out with me?
Young Allie: What? No.
Young Noah: No…?
Young Allie: No.
Young Noah: Why not?
Young Allie: I dunno, because I don’t want to.
Young Noah: OK, then you leave me no other choice.
Young Allie: AHHHH
Young Noah: I’m gonna ask you one more time, will you or will you not go out with me? I think my hand’s slipping.
Young Allie: OK, OK. Fine I’ll go out with you
Young Noah: No, don’t do me any favors.
Young Allie: No, no I want to.
Young Noah: Say it.
Young Allie: I wanna go out with you.
Young Noah: Say it again.
Young Allie: I WANNA GO OUT WITH YOU!
Young Noah: All right, all right we’ll go out.
Young Allie: [lying in the middle of the street] What happens if a car comes?
Young Noah: We die.
Young Noah: Get in the water.
Young Allie: No! I’m scared.
Young Noah: [yelling] Get in the water, woman! Get in the water!
Young Allie: [looks at him, puzzled]
Young Noah: [calmly] No I’m sorry baby, please just get in.
Young Allie: [hesitates]
Young Noah: [once his friends start yelling again] GET IN THE WATER!
Young Allie: Painting.
Young Noah: What?
Young Allie: You asked me, what I do for me…
Young Noah: What now?
Young Allie: I love to paint.
Young Noah: Really?
Young Allie: Mmm-hmm. Most of the time I have all these thoughts bouncin’ around in my head… but with a brush in my hand, the world just gets kinda quiet.
Young Noah: Unbelievable, Unbelievable.
Young Noah: You don’t know me, but I know me.
Young Noah: It’s not about following your heart and it’s not about keeping your promises. It’s about security.
Young Allie: What’s that supposed to mean?
Young Noah: [yelling] Money. He’s got a lot of money!
Young Allie: You smug bastard. I hate you for saying that.
Young Noah: You’re bored Allie. You’re bored and you know it. You wouldn’t be here if there wasn’t something missing.
Young Allie: You arrogant son of a bitch.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we’re already fightin’
Young Noah: Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.
Young Allie: What easy way? There is no easy way, no matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.
Young Noah: Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?
Young Allie: It’s not that simple.
Young Noah: What… do… you… want? Whaddaya want?
Young Allie: I have to go now.
Young Allie: When I’m with Noah I feel like one person and when I’m with you I feel like someone totally different.
Lon: Allie, it’s normal not to forget your first love but I want you for myself. I don’t want to convince my fiancée that she should be with me.
Young Allie: You don’t have to. I already know I should be with you.
Fin: [after Noah and Allie kept saying ‘You look great.’]
Fin: You look great.
Fin: You look great. And I know I look great.
Martha Shaw: Look, a woman know when a man looks into her eyes and sees someone else.
Young Noah: Now you know that I want to give you all the things that you want, right? But I can’t, because they’re gone… They’re broken.
Young Noah: My Dearest Allie. I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I’ll be seeing you. Noah
Noah: I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.
Young Allie: Why didn’t you write me? Why? It wasn’t over for me, I waited for you for seven years. But now it’s too late.
Young Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year.
Young Allie: You wrote me?
Young Noah: Yes… it wasn’t over, it still isn’t over
Duke: That’s my sweetheart in there. Wherever she is, that’s where my home is.
Duke: How’s it hangin’ Harry?
Harry: I keep trying to die, but they won’t let me.
Duke: Well, you can’t have everything.
Young Noah: You wanna walk with me.
Fin: What are you guys doing? Get in!
Young Allie: Yeah.
Young Noah: We’re gonna walk.
Fin: Do you guys love each other?
[Young Noah snickers]
Fin: Oh I get it, you guys do love each other!
Young Noah: Okay. Goodbye.
Young Noah: So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me… everyday.
Frank: [Allie painted Noah a picture] Now that’s a damn picture there!
Young Noah: What am I gonna do in New York?
Young Allie: …Be with me.
Lon: Should I be worried?
Allie: They fell in love, didn’t they?
Duke: Yes, they did.
Young Noah: It’s not about keeping your promises, and it’s not about following your heart. It’s about security.
Young Noah: [to Martha] You know I want to give you everything you want. But I can’t. It’s broken.
Young Allie: Now, say you’re a bird.
Young Noah: If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.
Frank: [Allie painted Noah a picture] Now that’s a damn painting that is.
Young Noah: [raising fists in air] Dad! God… I stammered!
Frank: Stammered, stuttered… what’s the difference. You couldn’t understand a damn thing he said.
Frank: Anyway, I got him to read some poetry aloud and pretty soon his stuttering went away.
Young Allie: Well, that’s a good idea that poetry.
Duke: I was just going for a walk. I couldn’t sleep.
Nurse Esther: You were going to see Miss Allie. Now you know you’re not allowed. It’s against the rules. You go back to your room. And as for me, I’m going downstairs to get a cup of coffee and won’t be back for a while. Stay out of trouble.
[Duke walks over to Nurse Esther’s counter and sees a full cup of coffee]
Young Noah: We can just finish out the summer and see what happens then.
Young Allie: Please don’t do this, you don’t mean it. Oh why wait until the summer ends? Why don’t you do it right now?
[pushes Noah against car]
Young Allie: Huh? C’mon. Do it! Do it!
[repeatedly pushes Noah, starts hitting Noah, Noah starts hitting himself]
Young Allie: You know what? I’m gonna do it! It’s over. Okay? it’s over.
Young Noah: [opens his arms for a hug] Come here.
Young Allie: Don’t touch me! I hate you! I hate you!
Young Noah: OK, I’m going.
Young Allie: Why don’t you just go then?
[pushes Noah in the car]
Young Allie: Get out! Leave!
[kicks Noah’s car]
Young Allie: Go!… No, no, just wait a minute, we’re not really breaking up are we? Come on. This is just a fight we’re having and tomorrow will be like it never happend right?
[Noah drives away]
Frank: Well, Mr. Calho… What am I? *Old* or something? You can call me Frank.
Allie: Do you think our love can make miracles?
Duke: I do.
Allie: Do you think our love, can take us away together?
Duke: I think our love can do anything we want it to.
Allie: I love you.
Duke: I love you, Allie.
Allie: Good night.
Duke: Good night. I’ll be seeing you.
Frank: Say, how would you like some breakfast? Would you like some breakfast?
Young Allie: Breakfast?
Young Noah: Dad, it’s ten o’clock.
Frank: Well, what’s that got to do with it, you can have pancakes any damn time of night you want! Come on in, you want some breakfast?
Young Allie: Sure!
Young Noah: You’re gonna kill me woman! I need sleep, I need food, to regain my strength!
Duke: They didn’t agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday…
Young Noah: [Allie and Noah are fighting] Don’t push me!
[Allie pushes Noah anyway]
Duke: …But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other.
Anne: She is out foolin’ around with that boy until two o’clock in the morning and it has got to stop! I didn’t spend seventeen years of my life raising a daughter and giving her EVERYTHING, so she could throw it away on a summer romance!
Young Allie: [Screaming] DADDY!
Anne: She will wind up with her heart broken or pregnant! Now he’s a nice boy, but he’s…
Young Allie: He’s WHAT? He is what? Tell me!
Anne: He is trash! Trash! Trash! Not for you!
Allie: Did you write that?
Duke: No, that was Walt Whitman.
Allie: I think I knew him…
Duke: I think you did too.
Noah: Summer romances begin for all kinds of reasons, but when all is said and done, they have one thing in common. They’re shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, fleeting glimpse of eternity, and in a flash they’re gone.
Young Noah: [humming] Bum,bum,bum,bum,bum,bum,bum,bum,bum,bum,bum,bum.
Young Allie: [laughing] You’re a terrible singer.
Young Noah: I know.
Young Allie: [laying her head on his shoulder] But I like this song.
[they continue dancing in the street to I’ll Be Seeing You]
Young Allie: Whattaya want?
[asks after he tells her he needs to regain his strength after making love all day]
Young Noah: I want some… pancakes… and some bacon.
Noah: …He got this notion into his head that if he restore the old house where they had come that night, Allie would find a way to go back to him…
Anne: ‘Cause I might know you a little better than you think. And I don’t want you waking up one morning thinking if you’d known everything you might have done something different.
Young Allie: What’s going on?
Anne: We’re going home.
Young Allie: We’re leaving now?
Young Allie: No, we’re not supposed to be leaving for another week.
Anne: Get dressed, come downstairs and have some breakfast. Willa will pack your things.
Willa: Why, I’d be happy to pack your things, Miss Allie.
Young Allie: No, I don’t want you to pack my things, I don’t want you to touch my stuff I’m not going!
Anne: Yes, you are.
Young Noah: When I see something I like, I gotta… I love it.
Young Allie: You gotta be kiddin me. All this time, that’s what I’ve been missin’? Let’s do it again.
Young Noah: [at the Carnival] Who’s that girl with Sara?
Fin: Her name is Allie Hamilton. She’s here for the summer with her family. Dad’s got more money than God.
Young Allie: This place is gigantic!
Young Noah: Yeah, a gigantic piece of crap!
Young Noah: I’m Noah Calhoun.
Young Allie: So?
Young Noah: So it’s really nice to meet you.
Edmond: Allie, who is this guy?
Young Allie: I don’t know, Noah Calhoun.
Young Noah: I’m not usually like this, I’m sorry.
Young Allie: Oh yes you are.
Young Noah: I could be fun, if you want. I could be pensive, uhh… smart, supersticious, brave? And I, uhh, I can be light on my feet. I could be whatever you want. You just tell me what you want, and I’m gonna be that for you.
Young Allie: …You’re dumb.
Young Noah: I could be that.
Young Noah: Come on, one date, what’s it gonna hurt?
Young Allie: Mmm, I don’t think so.
Young Noah: Well what can I do to change your mind?
Young Allie: [Noah is about to lie down in the street intersection] You’re gonna get hit.
Young Noah: [Looks around for oncoming cars, there aren’t any in sight] Uhh, by all the cars?
Nurse Selma: Excuse me. Come on, honey, let’s get you ready for bed
August 13, 2008
Sean: [running from a dinosaur] Haven’t you ever seen a dinosaur before?
Trevor: Not with skin on it!
Trevor: [in complete awe] Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the center of the Earth.
[Sean and Trevor have fallen behind Hannah, tired of climbing]
Sean: I call dibs on the mountain climber.
Trevor: What? You’re thirteen; you can’t call dibs.
Trevor: [as they are climbing] Hey, look at all the shist.
Trevor: It’s a metamorphic rock. Green shist, white shist, micro-guarded shist-
Sean: Oh. Shist.
Hannah Ásgeirsson: [all climbing down] Just make conversation with me Sean.
Sean: So, uh, Hannah. Do you come here often?
Trevor: [laughs] That can’t be the best you can do!
Sean: [yells] Hey! I’m trying to make converstation!
Hannah Ásgeirsson: It’s OK. No Sean, I don’t come here often.
Trevor: [sees Sean playing a PSP] What is that? A… Gameboy?
Trevor: [holds up Max’s yo-yo] This was your old man’s PSP.
Sean: [seeing a deserted field in the center of the Earth] Dang, I wish I read that book.